Bending over backwards

Push yourself, but don’t hurt yourself

Going to the gym has been difficult but I always felt it was a good thing and it wouldn’t be too complicated. I would get my sense of accomplishment from the numbers of calories I burned, the weights I lifted, and the reps I did. However, I am questioning if I am investing my energy in a healthy way.

Its never been about loosing weight for me. I have genes and a lifestyle that provide me with a petite build.  I have felt the influence to maintain or tweak this build. I have never been into sports and it’s just that my high metabolism leaves me at around the same weight of 110 lb since I was a teen. So for me the biggest change physically would be my hips and my bum. They literally seemed to come out of nowhere (and if I’m standing in a particular way and turn around, it seems that way too).  Its genetics, I have a small waist and small legs, small chest, and small arms. Most of my weight is at my hips.

Now that I have joined the gym, I have Sir Mix –A- Lot song in my head – You can do side bends or sit ups, but please don’t lose that butt-.  I appreciate the shout out, but in my case I know I won’t…not because I have the ability to control that, it’s because I don’t. That’s where my genes choose to store my fat and muscle. And I guess that’s what this post boils down to…I don’t have control over it; media and society have influenced the way I see my behind. I have felt extra sexy when music praises all shapes of women and also seeing influential women such as First Lady Michelle Obama who have a frame that mirrors mine make me feel even more amazing. The videos that objectify women’s behinds make me feel conflicted to say the least. The derriere for now seems to be what mainstream culture is stating is hot leading to my observation of the squat craze.

Squat, Squat, Squat for this reason and that reason, beyond lower body strength and burning calories. I understand Squats are amazing for fitness. My issue is other increasing dangerous messages. It seems there are shirts, memes, etc  this squat craze I see is to get a bigger, toned bum so when you are not wearing clothes that inform every one of your socio-economic status, your ass will make it clear that you are a person that deserves accolades and sexual attention because you have a perky butt.

It’s a new pressure I think now or maybe it’s returned as I just got interested in fitness just recently. Before in general it was small flat asses was awesome, and then it was round ass, now it’s an ass that’s pure muscle. At least that’s what some social media networking groups; users etc. are showing. In addition, I don’t see squats pics of guys, or society being proud of men with big bums that are natural.

It’s weird I’m happy about the entire ass out there, and discovering it’s not just some black people that have them, but that other ethnicity packing them too. However, I’m disturbed with this pressure or sense of need to control one’s body or need of self-discipline in one’s life that is dependent on what outsiders think.   I enjoy women and men hitting the gym, there is a sense of accomplishment and a powerful connection with body.  I love muscular woman posing in bikinis and adding a new dimension to what is considered attractive.

At first I had an idea what I wanted my body to look like, feeling I could engineer my idea of healthy, powerful sexy version of me. However other muscles are changing faster than others and my shape may turn into something that isn’t main-stream and I want to be okay with that. But it’s a struggle; I might lose my small boobs that took a while to be proud of, to tight muscle. Oh body image and self-esteem, how you drive me nuts!

The human body is amazing, and going to the gym for me is helping me get in touch with my own understanding and misunderstanding of what I control and don’t control. I want to take care of my body and mind, in a manner that isn’t creating a new jail cell of enforced standards.  Maybe I should stop fitinspriation things online in general so as to avoid such trends. That is not the answer because there are tons of positive fitness inspiration images and messages.

It’s a journey for me hitting the gym, and certain things are behind me, but others still seem to be a pain in the ass.

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